在我遇见小狐不久之后，小狐遇见了咕噜。咕噜是小狐最好的朋友。

    咕噜的由来很普通，是我和君君在商场闲逛的时候遇到的。它的名字“咕噜”来源于我们以前一起养过的奶牛猫“咕噜”。我们都很想念那两只再无法再见的小猫们，于是在遇见这只玩偶咕噜时，我们决定买下它，代替那两只小猫继续陪伴我们。只是，也许成长注定意味着要分开，于是我与小狐，君君和咕噜，我们都慢慢朝着自己的人生方向走去。在写这段话的时候，小狐也表示它很想念咕噜。

    我幻想过再次前往塞萨洛尼基的海边，我还记得那里的废弃建筑、黄绿色的长草丛和海边那只瘦骨嶙峋奄奄一息的白色大狗。我担忧走失猫咪们的命运，不知道它们是不是能支持着自己活下来呢？到现在的话，它们应该已经六岁了。它们离我那么远。

    咕噜和年年这两只小猫教给我很重要的人生道理。在这个年纪我注定无法拥有两只小猫，因为我不具有足够能承担责任的能力。我没办法给它们一个坚实稳固的未来，因为我连对自己的未来去向都把握不定。我不知道我是否能在未来养活自己、过上自己想要的生活，又有什么资格向小猫们去许诺一个稳定的未来呢？我深知我是无根的，我是漂泊的，我不停地在一个又一个临时居所中辗转，苦苦寻觅着一个触摸不到的“家”。这两只小猫是我人生中永恒的罪过：我妄图去攫取自己不配得的幸福，因而落得永久创伤性的惩罚。想起这两只小猫的时候愧疚感会一直包裹住我，在未来的人生中也不会消散。而我也将一直对这两只小猫怀着感激的心情，它们在过去压抑的日子给予了我一次次心灵的抚慰。

    所以到头来，只有玩偶可以永远永远地陪伴。咕噜和小狐会是一辈子的好朋友。







    Not long after I met Little Fox, Little Fox met Gulu. Gulu became Little Fox’s best friend.

    The story of Gulu’s arrival is quite ordinary—My sister and I found it one day when we were simply wandering through a mall. Its name "Gulu" comes from a black-and-white cat we once cared for, who shared that same name. We missed those two cats, lost to us now, and when we came across this plush Gulu, we decided to bring it home—to let it carry the memory of the two cats who could not be with us. Yet, perhaps growing up means learning to let go, so in time, Little Fox and I, My sister and Gulu, each continued along our own paths. Even now, as I write these words, Little Fox tells me that it, too, misses Gulu.

    I’ve often imagined returning to that Thessaloniki coastline. I remember the weathered buildings, the patches of wild yellow-green grass, and that frail, ghostly white dog by the shore. I wonder what became of the cats who wandered off that day—did they find a way to survive, somehow? By now, they’d be about six years old. They feel so impossibly far away to me.

    Those two cats, Gulu and Niannian, taught me an invaluable lesson. At this age, I was never meant to keep them. I didn’t yet have the capacity to shoulder the weight of such a responsibility. I couldn’t offer them a steady, secure future, for I had no sense of what even my own future might look like. How could I promise them stability when I couldn’t even promise it to myself? I know I am rootless, always drifting, moving from one temporary dwelling to another, searching for a ‘home’ I cannot seem to find. These two cats remain an eternal sorrow in my life—a wound, a reminder of a happiness I dared reach for yet did not deserve, punished now with a grief that will never fade. Whenever I think of them, a deep guilt envelopes me, one that will linger throughout my life. Yet, I am forever grateful for their companionship; in those bleak days, they offered me a quiet comfort, soothing my spirit again and again.

    In the end, only toys can stay with us always. Gulu and Little Fox will be friends forever.